Over the Rainbow with a Goat

Hi folks.

A few days ago I finally found the guts and went shopping with my boyfriend. I haven’t bought any new clothes like three years or so. The problem is that my mother always buys me girl-clothes and trys to make me wear them.

And yes. I am 28.

But my mother is a very important person to me, as is my Dad, somehow. So it makes my heart break to break her heart. And she isn’t so font of me being trans or not-okay-with-being-a-girl.

That said, it was really a relief for me to go shopping and buy all men’s clothing now. I spent a lot of money on it, but I feel much better now. Still, I am of a very ‘delicate’ and slender, feminine built. So everytime I walk in men’s clothing and bind my breasts, people will just think I’m a chicken-breasted tomboy.

I dunno what to do more than that. I stopped wearing make-up when I got out of my gothic phase, and even then I used to bleach my lips and skin tone and put accents on my eyebrows and such to give me a more androgynious look. And my hair is short and wild all over. I even died it brown because my doctor told me I wouldn’t be believably male with red hair.

Does anyone have any advise for me to enhance the male look? I really wished I could pass as male in real and everyday - life and not only on the internet.

somekindofboywonder asked: Hey man. I don't think that not hating vaginal penetration makes you less valid as a trans-guy. You're not the only one. Other trans guys out there enjoy vaginal sex (I'm one of them.) As long as I'm being treated *as a man* and not *as a woman*, I mean, the body parts I have are the body parts I have. I'm a gay dude, right, I just happen to have a vagina and not a penis. I have to live with that.

Would I like to have a penis? YEAH I SURE WOULD, but idk that I think the surgery options available are what I really want, either. I can live as a "cunt boy" as you said.

Anyway, just my experience, I just, don't think it invalidates you at all. I don't consider myself "not trans" because I don't hate my vagina (all the time).

thanks a lot for sharing your opinion and thoughts! This really makes me feel better.

Hi all. I spent time thinking. So I took my time until I post a new entry here, also because this issue troubles me a lot and is rather personal. But I still want to share.

A comrade of mine said that she knew a lot of girl-fags. Girl fags, she said, are girls that want to be treated like a gay boy in sexual situations. This is really how this whole issue started with me, too.

My boyfriend and me we do a lot of tabletop / pen&paper role playing games. And approximately nine years ago we started impersonating our characters in sexual situations. It became a habit and is now the way we have it.

I love sex, you know? But I cannot have sex as a girl. I feel bad and uneasy then. I not always did, though. I had sex before but I must say, that I once had a relationship with a gay man who treated me as a boy even before I met my boyfriend. So this isn’t an issue that came in without a warning.

But when I met Prof. Dr. Senf at the Uni clinic Essen who is working for 30 years now with transgenders, he told me that he found it odd that I was fine with vaginal penetration. He said this could be a fact that proof that my problem isn’t being trans-male but of a different nature.

But somehow he didn’t get, that I don’t want sex were I am really treated as a normal girl. In fact, I love my boyfriend, no matter what sex he’d had. It’s also a fact that I’d love to have a penis. But then again, I know that this is difficult even if I make it through transition. So I already asked myself if I could live as a cunt boy. And I came to terms with it: yes I could.

And I would still love my boy and would want to be close to him and having sex with him.

But is this really a sign for me… being NOT transgender? I appreciate any thoughts on this matter and also shared experience from transgender and gender queer people. I know sex and gender are different cups of tea. And I always thought this wouldn’t matter much. But as the Doctor said it that clearly, I started to think of it.

I don’t think that I am a girl fag because it is not only sexual situations that make me feel uneasy in my feminine role, but also the everyday-life. Still, I had to think about this a lot and would appreciate some comments about it.

Hello folks. I thought today I write a bit about feelings. I will leave some things open, ask questions, not rethorical questions but still questions that I cannot awnser and I don’t expect anybody to do it for me, either.

If anybody wants to answer, though, you’re welcome. Answer them for you maybe. Or answer them for me if you think you can do that. I don’t think so but like I said, everybody is welcome to share thoughts and feelings here.

The problem within is, that I don’t feel like a girl anymore. This alone doesn’t mean that I am transgendered. It might have other reasons. But reasons unknown to me. I felt my self-confidence fading over the last few years, massively. I used to go dancing and also dress up for role-play-conventions in skirts and corsetts. I liked that but I don’t feel like it anymore. Am I a … crossdresser? I feel like wearing girl’s clothes for special occasions. Or better to say, I felt like it.

What does that mean? There’s no thraumatical experience that made me feel less girly or less accepted. Nothing I remember. So what happened to me? And when?

I always felt like a strong girl. Am I a Tomboy?

I used to be gothic. I still feel pretty gothic inside. I feel like a gender bender, mostly. But I miss… a penis. So what is that about? I think I would go well as a girly boy and I did in clubs. When I went dancing I tried to look androgynous often. But this all started at the age of 18 and not before.

I also always had more male freinds than female friends. My comrades often tried to flirt with me and I never noticed. Everybody used to make fun of me. It was okay. I played Star Craft with the boys and also Counterstrike. Back than in the days I was the first and only girl on a LAN-Party in my area. I didn’t have to pay an entrance fee for it. But does this tell anything about my gender?

I don’t know.

Sometimes I think of me as a bad joke. But other times I think of me as a being that was protected by the Gods, because… I am so ‘unnatural’ as a boy, that I could go easier as a girl. But somehow… this failed. I think a lot about me and even more about others.

I think too much. That’s the problem within. A snake that bites it’s own tail.

Hello folks. Thanks for the many followers I got. I really appreciate your interest in me and/or the subject of this blog.

I thought after my introduction and a little art, I should try to sum up my experiences thus far. It’s hard to keep this short, but I will try to do so because I only want to share the important things to help others and myself to gather your and my thoughts.

I thought I should try to write up my first ‘rainbow lesson’ as I call it.

The moment in which I thought for the very first time: “Hey, maybe I am transgendered.” But I need to sum up a few impressions and feelings I had earlier and for years now. So, a few things about me and my way.

I am a passionate roleplayer. I always play male characters even if I tried to embody girls for a short time. I play pen&paper role playing games and also MMORPGs. Since my first MMO (Everquest I) I used to play male characters because it made me feel better.  But I have to admit, that my first choice of a male drow came in because I did not want to be bothered by other male players who wanted to ‘date my avatar’ as I am taken and in a wonderful relationship for ten years now. Back then, when I played my Drow Lusiphur, I experienced fully acknowledgement of me as a male person for the first time. I had a couple of friends whith whom I used to play and who called me ‘buddy’. To be freinds with a man or boy who is totally sure that I am a boy or man and doesn’t question that by my physical appearance was such a relief. I was startled about it, but I went with it and I held it that way ever since.

I stopped playing Everquest a few years later and went on playing (The Saga of) Ryzom. I nearly stopped playing the game when someone found out that I am a girl actually. I created another character and started out all new. I then experienced love between me and a fellow player for the first time. I was taken by then, but this guy really made me love him so much. So we went as a gay couple. Back in the days before WoW was so popular and all the gay girls were out there to have their bishonen romances. It was something very special to us. But someday I told him that I was a girl, or better: my sex was female and it was the biggest relief that he kept handling me as his ‘boyfriend’ and never called me ‘she’. He didn’t when we met in real life, too. And I felt better than I ever had in my life.

I also met my brother in this game. I call him brother because we love each other like brethren. To get to know him is one of the best things that ever happened in my life and it is because of him that I started to study at the University of Siegen. And there I met the wonderful MarySew. She also has a tumblr-blog. *waves* Hello sweety.

We became friends and she was the person who hinted out to me that there was a lecture at our university about transgender. I didn’t have the guts to go there by myself, but she grabbed my hand and went there with me. And this was my first rainbow lesson. I learned a lot about female to male transgender because the expert for the lecture was one himself. Niko was a very brave and amazing boy who even showed me his scars from the surgeries and showed photos of him from the time he still was a girl.

And that was the moment I started to do research on the topic and to think about me and if this might probably be my problem. Years have passed now and I am still not 100% sure about it. But my head is a bit complicated and I tend to think thins over a 100 times before finally deciding things.

But I am on my way to come to terms with my self. This way or another. And I will keep telling you about it - to encourage others, and myself.

Thanks for reading!

Hi. I’m a black goat.

My name is Gabriel. That’s the name I have given to myself.

I was born under a different name. The reason to put it aside is, that I am in conflict with my sex & gender. I have tried to go as a girl for 28 years now and I feel like I horribly fail in doing that.

I am not a girl anymore, nor a woman. But I don’t know who or what I am.

Someone called me an angel once, a being that has no gender at all, but a purpose. With no identity at all but a figure to display itself to the real world. That’s very fitting. But it doesn’t make me happy.

So here I am, Gabriel. Black winged goat, neither man nor animal. And this is my way, travelling the rainbow to somewhere. If you are interested in my way, if you possibly travel the same road or want to walk a mile in my shoes, you’re welcome to join, watch and ask me things.

I hope to gather my strength and sort out my thoughts by writing this blog and also sharing experiences and possibly make it easier for others to live with the same problem - because you are not alone.

yours truly,

Gabriel the goat